When I finally decided to start lose weight, I had dreams and aspirations of looking hot in a bikini again. Or being able to wear the schmedium sized shirts and not worry if my belly showed, because I'd be thin and the muffin top wouldnt be protruding from the waist band of my pants.
Well, that isnt necessarily true...
When I started losing the weight, I had noticed that I was getting into smaller sizes (obviously) however, the structure of my skin was the same and the stretch marks were still there. Now, I'm not completely oblivious to the fact that there would be evidence of the 120 lb departure from my body but two of my sisters have had children and they look great in bikinis now.
So, I was kind of dumbfounded. I started using the cocoa butter lotion going to bed smelling like food (which, when you're losing weight gives you crazy dreams about what else, food!) I thought that might help a little bit because in my quest to lose weight, I read A LOT of articles about A LOT of different things. I heard that if you take Vitamin E, and opened the capsule and mixed it in with the Cocoa Butter lotion would make things appear less visible, etc. Maybe I didn't have patience for the results, but when I used it...nada.
I had finally reached a stationary weight (being stable around 4-6 months) about February or March of 09. I was wearing size 2's. But, I still had excess skin and stretch marks. WTH. That doesnt seem fair. My ex husband being the kind soul he is (and if I had sarcasm font, I'd use it right now) said to me that the excess skin and stretch marks are my punishment for letting myself get that way in the first place and its to remind me. Winning statement there. To an extent, I do agree with him. It is to remind me of where I've been. But, I don't think its my punishment.
I find it very interesting about health insurance companies and how they handle certain things. For instance, when I was overweight IF I wanted to get gastric bypass or the lap band, I surely would have qualified. They would have spent thousands of dollars on me to help me become the size I am today, however, when I presented to them that I did it on my own (showing Dr visits along the way and my weight slowly decreasing) and asked for the skin removal surgery, they said no. I know they won't do it for people that had surgery either. But, I figured I saved them some money by losing weight the healthy way and if they could spend 15k on someone getting the surgery, why cant they spend 15k on me as a reward for doing it on my own?
Today I still sit with the stretch marks. The extra skin. Its not in very visible places, so I am lucky on that note. But, I still look in the mirror and because of this extra skin and the deep, deep stretch marks I still see the girl that started out this journey several years back. Its hard to come to grips with the fact that I'm not that girl anymore. The big girl still lives inside me, still loves food and still struggles every day with knowing what I should eat, and what I want to eat. If I could have a diet of chicken wings and french fries all the time and still stay the same size I am now I'd be in heaven. But, the girl that I am today knows that isnt possible. I can eat those things occasionally, but I know more now than I did when I started.
If you are on a path to lose weight and a lot of it, one thing you really need to be prepared for is the mental aspect of it. I had preconceived notions that I would have a better self image and look better than I currently do. I look better, feel healthier, but my self image still is very much in line with the girl that was 257lbs. I try to put on an air of confidence, but inside I am still thinking about the stretch marks on my arms. Or my thighs. Or the extra skin on my stomach. Its a very difficult thing to grasp, one that I am still working on after two years of being this size. Its odd to think that me being the overweight sister for so long that I was actually smaller than my sisters. You go through life and you store certain things in your mental rolodex, things like harsh statements, treatment from people, etc that it is hard to let go of.
I know a few close friends understand this from me. I know its not healthy to think this way, but it is what it is. I am very lucky to have a man that sees past all of these insecurities that I have and still thinks I am beautiful. That is SO proud of what I accomplished, he is the one that pushed me to do this blog, the one that pushed me to start helping others with it because this is the one thing that he has heard me completely passionate about.
Eventually I know that I will completely accept the way I look as is and not give a crap what others think about how I look. Eventually.
I ask you all if you plan on losing a tremendous amount of weight to really truly think about how to mentally prepare for it, the pros and the cons. It has a huge impact on your desire to lose more weight and your own self image. It isnt going to be an easy road. But, if everything in life was easy and presented us no challenges, we wouldnt be who we are today.
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