Its funny when you look back at times in your life and find that your perception of yourself is, well, off base. When I was in high school, I was thin. For most of my high school years, I was between a 0 and a 5. I stayed active. I played racquetball, softball, soccer. I was the girl in the street playing football with the guys when all the other girls were doing their nails or their hair. I remember being in a size 3 thinking that I was overweight. Society pushes all that on you. If you don’t look like you are about to dissipate into thin air, then you are fat. It was ingrained upon all of us in high school not to become overweight. I still ate like crap. I remember being able to eat king size candy bars and not have issues buttoning my pants, because I was so active.
That all changed about my senior year in high school.
I was in a long term relationship and the guy I was dating (and myself for that matter) were broke. We determined everything upon what we called the “Whopper Scale”. Whoppers were .99, so if we could go to the store and buy chicken and veggies for 7 dollars; well, hell. We could buy 7 Whoppers for that. I could eat three times a day for two days on that. I’m sure you see where this is going? In a very short matter of time, the cyclic process of eating not so healthy food and not being active caught up with me. Tenfold. I remember specifically buying size 7, size 9, size 11 pants. I just thought, if they don’t fit, I’ll buy more. There should have been a red flag somewhere in my mind, but hey, I’m not the sharpest stick in the bunch sometimes. I just thought if my pants don’t fit, go buy more pants. Simple logic right? Not so much. By the time I ended my three and a half year relationship, ( from my senior year until a few months after I turned 21) I managed to get from a size 5 in juniors to a size 20 in womens. Oh, but wait, there's more.
After I got out of that relationship, I met the man that would become my husband. Him and I were like two peas in a pod. We loved to go out to dinner and sit on the couch. There was absolutely nothing active about our lifestyle, unless you counted the walking to and fro the door to delivered food. When him and I got married 2 years later, my wedding dress was a size 24. And it wasn’t loose. I was content. I had someone that wanted to marry me even though I didn’t look like a supermodel. For the first years of our marriage, it was extremely hard. We both had crappy jobs. We both worked really crappy schedules, sometimes not getting off work until 1130pm. It doesn’t really lend to eating healthy, you know? I finally got to the point that I was tipping the scales at 257lbs. Yep, 257lbs. When I saw that on the scale I started crying. My husbands reaction was “well, it didn’t happen overnight, haven’t you thought that you’re meant to be fat like me?” (Oh, I didn’t mention that did I? My husband was 6’4” and 450lbs when we got married.) All the while I was thinking to myself, I wasn’t meant to be overweight! I wasn’t. I used to be thin, I used to do a lot of stuff.
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My wedding day, 2001 |
The turning point when I decided to make a change was when I was with my nephew. He was 4 and running around. He loved it when I chased him around the house. I was exhausted after 3 minutes of running with him. He kept prodding at me and I couldn’t do it. It hurt me so much inside that he wanted to play with me and I couldn’t chase after him. I decided to make a change for ME!
It was the middle of summer, in Arizona
After about two months of walking, I started seeing a difference in the scale. It was minimal, but I did see a difference enough for me to keep moving. I found another job that was making a little better money but it was so far away from home, the extra money was being spent on gas. So I packed my lunch every day. I wouldn’t allow myself to go out at all ( in fear of being lost and not finding my way back, for one but to save money mostly). I became accustomed to eating a smaller portion for lunch, which in real folk’s time is dinner (my schedule was from 230-11pm). I would go on walks when I could, but it was hard to get going in the mornings. I was still seeing a difference in my weight because I had drastically changed my eating habits.
About January of 2004 I started a job with a bank. I was 220lbs at that time. I had lost 37lbs at that point. I didn’t really have a goal in mind when I started losing weight, other than to be able to fit into a size 8 or 10. I figured that would be average. I portion controlled everything. I was off work at 4, so it was easier for me to get off work and go for walks. And I did. A lot. It also helped me get out of the house and surrounding negativity from my husband. He was passive aggressive with my weight loss. Great Job! You look wonderful! Then suggest we go to the mexican place down the street and get a carne asada burrito for dinner. Hmm. You look great, you’re doing awesome. Go eat a burrito. That sounds like a great idea! Not. He and I had problems a lot of the time, but this just started fueling our relationship into a crash and burn. I kept going about my business, trying to keep heading in the right direction. I had kept walking and built up my tolerance so I started walking for a longer time. I was up to a two mile walk. Then I got to a two and half, then three miles. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t doing this every day. I had my downfalls and sometimes let my husband pull me into a pitfall and sometimes I wouldn’t go for a few days. I got sick, sometimes I worked late. I just tried to make every effort I could to go. If the timing wasn’t right, so be it. It may have been construed as a lackadaisical approach, but, it was enough for me.
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In Vegas for a friend's wedding in July, 2007 |
2007 was a year that changed my life. I watched my third nephew being delivered and lets just say it wasn’t a textbook delivery. I decided after that I wanted to go back to school to become a nurse. I watched nurses with absolutely no empathy and my sister suffer through what was supposed to be the most joyous day of her life. Between starting school and my weight loss, I was starting the downward spiral to end my marriage, unbeknown to me. Working full time, going to school full time and attempting to study, then try to go for walks had an enormous strain on what was already a difficult relationship. By the end of 2007, I was down to 180 lbs. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot of difference, but to keep losing the weight, maintaining the weight and fighting the inevitable plateau that you hit, I was still proud of myself.
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March 2008, with a friend at dinner |
I signed up for Krav Maga classes in May of 2008. It kicked.my.ass. It was not easy, in any way shape or form. Any delusional thoughts I had that I was in shape (well, it was better than completely round, right?) went away as soon as the class started. But I made it through that first class. I almost yakked a few times with all the adrenaline that I had, but I did it. I signed up for three months. I was on summer vacation from school and I wanted to see where I could get over the summer. After two months of Krav, I was down. A lot. I was also able to do not only the Krav class, I did the kickboxing/mma class afterwards. Two full hours of militaryesque freaking boot camp. I was shedding weight like I had never seen before. I had to remind myself of that every time I suffered through the class making a mental note asking, why am I paying for this again? Ultimate Krav Maga 5 DVD Box Set (Beginner to Intermediate) - Combatives, Self Defense, Fighting and Weapons
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July of 2008 in Laughlin |
I did have a lot of problems getting sick. I was fighting off sinus and upper respiratory infections left and right. I had come down with Whooping Cough in 2006 (seriously, who gets whooping cough anymore? Maybe I picked it up when I lost my wagon wheel forging the river and my ox ran off to die in a bush with typhoid fever playing a real live version of Oregon Trail). I got laid on my back with Whooping Cough. It took me about three months to get back to where I was before, once I was not getting exhausted all the time. After several years of fighting sickness in what seemed to be every month, I consulted a Naturopathic M. D. in the middle of 2008. Encyclopedia of Natural Medicine, Revised Second Edition
She put me on a vegetarian diet taking away all that is fun and devine. She also recommended taking Oregano Oil Capsules when I started getting sick to avoid the worst of it. Search Amazon.com for oregano oil capsules
You cant make food hot enough for me. She said no more disco inferno for me. I stopped eating jalapenos, pickles, olives, etc. It was pretty much my staple in my refrigerator, so that rather sucked. However, I started seeing a huge difference in the way I felt. Not only did I not feel good after I ate instead of the inevitable gut brick I always got after beef, I was feeling much healthier, lighter on my feet. I stayed with the Naturopath until the spring of 2009. By this time, I was down to 145lbs.
She put me on a vegetarian diet taking away all that is fun and devine. She also recommended taking Oregano Oil Capsules when I started getting sick to avoid the worst of it. Search Amazon.com for oregano oil capsules You cant make food hot enough for me. She said no more disco inferno for me. I stopped eating jalapenos, pickles, olives, etc. It was pretty much my staple in my refrigerator, so that rather sucked. However, I started seeing a huge difference in the way I felt. Not only did I not feel good after I ate instead of the inevitable gut brick I always got after beef, I was feeling much healthier, lighter on my feet. I stayed with the Naturopath until the spring of 2009. By this time, I was down to 145lbs.  |
At a party in April, 2009 |
In March of 2010, I was sitting at 132 although in my mind (again with self perception, it’s a killer) I’d like to be a little smaller. Not a whole lot, but just a little. I can take things day by day, make smarter choices every day.
Not to say I don’t indulge, I do. I won’t lie. I love beer. I still love food a lot. I think about what to eat two days from now, right now. I LOVE food.
It is a constant, daily struggle for me to work past the mental roadblocks that I set up myself a long time ago. I still see the overweight me in the mirror. There are lot of flaws I still see in myself. For anyone that is starting or is trying to see through a weight loss journey, such as the one I have done, there are things to prepare yourself for. Although it would be incredibly worse after bariatric surgery, even though I lost the weight naturally, over a period of time, there is still a lot of extra skin. It used to contain 125lbs more of me, so I cant get mad at it. Although it is a source of insecurity for me. There are also stretch marks. Thank goodness God gave them to me in places that most people don’t see. And thank goodness God led me to a man that is so proud of what I’ve done, he doesn’t see the same things I do.
I have learned a lot about myself in this journey. I always knew I was a determined person, but when my ex husband told me that I was destined to be overweight, something inside me said, screw that. I’ll show everyone that thinks that. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. Patience. Fortitude. Determination. It takes all of these things daily. On top of your daily stresses. Its not easy. But, I did it. And, if I can do it… Anyone can.
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November 2009 |
