I had that problem. Except my relationship 20 was actually about 120. I gained weight after I graduated high school because I wasnt as active as I was previously, but also because my boyfriend and I had a ritual habit to hit a drive thru for dinner. When I met my ex husband, him and I used to go out to dinner all the time. I put on more weight from the beginning of our relationship until I finally got to be over 250lbs.
When I decided to lose weight, my ex husband was on board... as long as we went to the gym. I hated the gym something fierce, but I went. I would start going to the gym in the apartment complex to watch Friends while I was on the treadmill. I grew tired of the monotony so I told him I wanted to start going for walks. He, did not. When I wasnt going to the gym with him, often times he wouldnt even go without me. I would still go on my walks, try to eat better, etc. He would ask me when I got home if I wanted to get a burrito, or if I wanted to go out to dinner.
I realized soon that I was getting the passive aggressive fight. Its been said that if couples that are overweight dont lose weight together that there will be jealousy, fighting, a lack of confidence. I won't say that my ex was jealous, but there was quite a bit of fighting and he started making comments to me to disturb my growing confidence. See, when you're overweight you have this armor on that makes these nasty comments that people make seem like they don't hurt. For instance, someone once was overheard saying they didn't want to come to my house because we're fat pigs and probably live like that. Anyone that knows me knows me saying my house is 'dirty' is maybe a few crumbs on the counter and perhaps the trash not being taken out. I am a very clean person but that stereo type was made because of my weight. Unfair? Sure. But those things get put on overweight people all the time.
When I had lost quite a bit of weight and started buying new clothes, I would try things on at home to decide what I wanted to wear. Check my hair, my makeup... All the things that I hadnt done before because I had the fat girl chip on my shoulder and pretended not to care. His response to that was that he didnt know he married such a narcissistic person. That hurt. It had nothing to do with me being obsessed with myself, I really was not used to being able to wear the sizes I had earned the right to wear so it was new for me.
Gradually, he started pulling away from me and my activities, whether sports related or anything. We both found different interests. He would occasionally go to the gym by himself, I would go on my walks/runs on my own. He eventually stopped going to the gym, whereas I kept at it. He kept trying to get us to buy fattier foods. We would still go out to dinner a few times a week. I would order something off the healthier menu, he would order stuff that was fried and covered in sauce and cheese. He would seemingly be ok with things, but his actions said more than he could. For example, when I was working for a cement company in the credit department, there was a girl that lived near me (about 15 minutes away) and for a week or so I was picking her up and taking her home because her car broke down. I called and asked my ex to start something for me for dinner- taking the boca chicken patties and placing them in the oven- thats it. He said no. He said that if I wanted that for dinner to come home and do it myself or find something else to eat. I didnt have time to, since I had classes later that evening. He was mentally telling me to hit a drive through if I didnt have time to make something.
I started getting comments about instead of going on a walk, how about we do this... or that... He tried to get me to stop exercising. Or, say that he would go get dinner but wouldnt go to two places so if I didnt want Filibertos, then I didnt get anything. Basically telling me that he would get dinner for me, but only if I wanted to eat the fatty, greasy rolled tacos covered in cheese and guacamole. Don't get me wrong, they're delicious... but they arent diet oriented food. Then, it gravitated to him saying that he loved going places with me because people would either think he's rich or he's got somethin' goin on for him to be with me. To clarify, he didn't want to lose weight, made me feel bad for trying to lose weight, called me narcissistic for caring more about my appearance, then is proud of me and how I look because I make him look good.
Its rather difficult when you are in a relationship and the other party does not want to lose weight because they aren't "there" yet. I've seen couples that did it together succeed together because of the constant reassurance that one provided the other. If one person doesn't have that confidence given to them, its hard. I'll be honest, its very hard.
But, you need to find what it is inside YOU that made you want to start losing weight to begin with. I'll tell you what it was for me. I loved the feeling I had when I got back from a run. I loved the feeling when I got on the scale and I saw the pounds coming off. I loved the feeling that I had when I was able to go to Goodwill and buy a pair of pants in the single digits.
You have to change your lifestyle to do that. If the people around you dont want to participate, it makes it even more of a challenge. Sure, I was afraid my ex and I would grow apart (and, if you've noticed I've referenced him as my ex... so you know that it did happen). He became extremely over protective of me. He wouldnt go out with my friends and I anymore, but yet tried to tell me what time to be home (yes, he called it a curfew). Or, he wouldnt want me to be alone with my friends from school that were guys because he thought I was cheating on him. I told him numerous times if he wanted to join my friends and I where we would be after class- he had their phone numbers as well. He knew where they lived so if he really thought something was up, to stop by. Randomly, whenever. He never did, but his paranoia is what ultimately drew the line for our relationship.
You need to get to a point that you're doing this for you. Not for anyone else, not to prove anyone wrong. Just for you. Its worth it, when you realize that the one person you're trying to impress is yourself. Set goals, let yourself have a little treat now and then. But, realize that you are the only person that will make you happy and if running, walking, lifting weights makes you happy... you cannot let anyone stop you.
I've been lucky in love this time around. My other half and I frequently participate in activities that gets us moving- mountain biking, snowboarding, frisbee golfing. I'll admit it does make it easier when the other person is supportive of you and your goals.
If those close to you are against you losing weight, ask them why. Ask them what they are afraid of. Talk with them and see if there is a mutual activity you may both enjoy together.
Have you had someone close to you try to stop you from losing weight? Why? Did it have an effect on the relationship?
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