Confidence

You know that girl. The one that walks in the room that has her head held high, looks like she is spit-shined to a "t",  fully manicured, hair coiffed into the perfect resting spot. The one that looks like her clothes were made specifically for HER. Then there is another girl on the other side of the room that is fidgety, keeps playing with her hair, biting her fingernails, constantly looking down hoping no one will talk with her.

I used to be the second girl, all the time. It was hard to be confident when you are putting on your size 2x shirts and trying to feel sexy. I've learned that confidence is a state of mind though. You can't buy it. Its not what you wear, its not how you do your hair or if you have your toes done or not. Confidence is something that just eeks out of you when you know and accept who you are and how you look.



It takes quite a bit of time, molding and self reflection to get to the point you are confident. For instance, when I was in high school, I was tiny, like mostly size 0's to 3's to 5's tiny. But, for some reason I thought I was fat (yeah, if I could go back to those 'fat' days right now, I'd jump on it). I think society has a way of pressuring women in general to have a certain aspiration on how they want to look and if they don't see that in the mirror, their confidence wanes.  It certainly doesnt help you when you are over weight, go to a store, say Target... you ever notice that the clothes that are in bigger sizes are next to the maternity clothes? It really doesnt help create any type of self worth, at least in my opinion as a former bigger girl to have seen something that looks like something you'd want and you go check it out and its maternity. Disheartning, really.

I still have issues with my appearance. I try to control it, but being that I lost about half of me, there is evidence that I was bigger that will never go away (unless the keebler elves give up on making cookies and start doing tummy tucks in the middle of the night). I have stretch marks. I have extra skin. For a long time, it was something that brought me down. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was the bigger girl, not the person I am. It was very weird to mentally think I was still larger, yet lay my clothes out, see a size 4 and think, "your fat ass is not going to fit in that, so dont even try". But then have it fit. It definitely is a wicked animal, one you need to learn to control and harness if you are going to lose weight. I know now how to hide those things I  don't want others to see by purchasing clothes that don't emphasize that part of me.

But, there comes a time that regardless of what people say, what other people think, you need to do something for you to help build your own confidence and be comfortable in your own body. It took a very long time for me to do that. For me, it was buying a bikini. I hadnt purchased one in probably 17 years. Could you see my stretchmarks with it on? Yep. Could you see a little of my extra skin? Yep. But, I wore it to the river to go floating with friends last year (yes, in front of other people and the general population). I was nervous. I was fidgety. I didnt want people to scream in fear over the whiteness of my stomach accented by stretch marks and proceed to go set their eyes on fire.  I didnt want to take my shirt or shorts off to get in the tube to float,  I was too nervous. But, I did. And guess what? People werent as mean as I thought. In fact, one of my friends told me, well, actually yelled at me... I looked great, screw what whatever anyone else thinks because they dont know my story. I thought that pretty much summed it up.

Do I parade around like that every day?  No. Thats not the kind of girl I am. I'm the soccer-short-cargo-pant-hurley-shirt-tank-top-doc-maarten-wearing kind of girl. But whatever kind of girl (or guy) you are, you need to find the inner you, embrace it and understand that your body is your own. I won't ever have Jennifer Aniston's arms. Or be as skinny as Kate Bosworth. But, what I can do is shake what my mama gave me and work on what I can control such as what I eat and how much I exercise. We can each control our own future if we stop living in the past.

Have you had issues of self confidence because of your appearance? What did you do to get over the biggest hurdle?